The Filibuster
by psycho revenant
Summary: Honest has gotten the wrong person on a warpath.
1. Chapter 1

Intro: Crushing the Despised

Screwdriver repeatedly lands in his face  
Gouges and hacks at the man of disgrace  
Tearing off muscles from the bones of his chest  
Rending his flesh with rage I've been blessed

Chopped off the tongue that told the lies  
I spit on him and laugh while he dies  
Lying there helpless I throw brick at your head  
Starving for violence and now I've been fed

His blood drips from my mouth  
I bit his larynx out  
Biting off fingers when he tried to push me back

His blood drips from my mouth  
I bit his larynx out  
Biting off fingers when he tried to push me back  
Chopping at his face in hate, I gouge and hack

Crushing the despised

Under my boot I hear your bones crack  
So many things that you want to take back  
I won't forget and I won't forgive  
Not so long as I allow you to live

Chopped off the tongue that told the lies  
I spit on him and laugh while he dies  
Lying there helpless I throw brick at your head  
Starving for violence and now I've been fed

His blood drips from my mouth  
I bit his larynx out  
Biting off fingers when he tried to push me back

His blood drips from my mouth  
I bit his larynx out  
Biting off fingers when he tried to push me back  
Chopping at his face in hate, I gouge and hack

Crushing the despised

"Sir, Honest wants to talk to you." I turn to the artilleryman that was talking. "Tell him to crawl up his old ass and die." I was sickened by some of the shit he did. Cannibalism, rape, state sponsored murder, letting his son rampage in his empire, allowing people like Esdeath in the army, and overall pointless cruelty. The current emperor was a puppet king. That shit is why I fought in Myanmar.

Apparently, the two had recruited a girl called Esdeath as a general, she was known as "bloody incompetent cunt" by me, and "Ice Demon" by everyone else, not sure where she got that name from, nor was I sure how the hell it was a good idea to put a mad bitch as a general.

I wasn't about to accept another job from "Honest", the last straw was when I was ordered to advance alongside Esdeath's army into the northern tribes. I ordered my men to protect the tribes, and evacuate them, while I massacred the "allied" soldiers.

"Massacre the villagers? Not after Vietnam, never again." I advanced in front of Esdeath to prevent what would have been a re-enactment of Speedy Express. "Evacuate the villagers, any empire assholes come in, obliterate them." They got loaded into C-147s, I received something that their king called the Forger. "See this, you can have an infinite supply of war material, you are strong enough to use it." Sounds fucking awesome!

I started to Linebacker the shit out of Esdeath when I saw her guys coming over a frozen river. Some of the bombers were shot down by ice spires, but they were expendable.

"You psychotic whore! You try to target innocent fucking civilians!" I started running Cobras over her position, once I was sure everyone was dead, I took a helicopter out of the frozen hellhole. I left a few million land mines and a couple hundred thousand drone tanks as a preventive measure against future assaults, 'cause fuck you Esdeath.

"Fuck you, I will not take another job, you sick son of a bitch!" I hung up the phone and torched it. I was going to go back to the empire, and raise my own brand of hell. But first, I had to get my guys to stay in Ireland. "Okay guys, you stay here, um, Angelripper will be the de facto leader, and if you want a new one, find the best, or get some guy that isn't corrupt."

I got off of the plane I crashed into this forest. Immediately, I found a base. "FUCK 'EM UP!" I bombed the place, but someone ran out. She was limping, I ran up to her. "No witnesses." I shot her four times in the neck.

I got into a couple of fights with some cops on my way to a bar. I started feeling light headed, so I stumble back. "Hello, wait, shit." What the hell did I just hear? I pull my hand to the back of my head, but there was some sort of fabric in the way. "Why don't we go to the bar before we do this?" Prostitute? I have no idea, but I'll bite. We walk into the bar, and I realize I was with a blonde woman, and I was in her breasts for about a minute.

She got us a couple of vodkas, then we started talking. "Do you want to join the imperial army? I have some contacts that can get you in as an officer." I turn to her, with my own set of dog tags exposed. "You see the tags here? These tags are from an army that is my own. If I was an officer, I would get fragged before training would end. Besides, I massacred the entire invasion force set for the northern tribes, so I don't think that I would join, I killed off Tiger Force and Americal, so the idea of joining the imperial army would be one giant fuck you to me." I down the vodka. She starts getting me into some building. "Where are we going?" She looks down at me. "There is a patrol coming by, I think they are after you." I might have been a wee bit obvious with ripping those guys apart.

"I guess I'll see you around, uhh, what's your name?" "Leone." Okay then. She left the place, I got picked up by this girl who looked a bit older, and she was loaded. I was suspicious of her. "I can't just leave you here." Bullshit. I was in their house, and I was eating with them, the food had a little bit of sedative, nothing compared to my opium binges. "What brings you to the capital?" I look at the mother. "Well, let's see, that fat fuck Honest owes me three metric shit tons of cash, I need to kill Esdeath and Budo for the war crimes, I want to clear out this god forsaken country, and a couple of my soldiers went missing around here." The family slightly tenses up. Someone pick up the phone, because I fucking called it.

I got my ass kicked when I tried to attack one of the guards at a shop. "What the hell are you doing?" I tried to mule kick him in the balls. Three shots of tranquilizer later, and I was out of it. "Fuck, what room is this?" I was in some sort of dungeon. Some dude walked in with a knife. "You know that thing on your arm? Yeah, it won't be yours for long." I try to get a grenade out, he stabs my hand before I could pull the pin. "Hehehe." My arm gets pulled through the bars of my cell. "Chop, chop, chop!" He saws off my arm at the elbow. "AAHH! You-y-you motherfucker!" I start getting carved up by the bastard. I hear the door crash open. "You really think you could escape?" Is that Leone? She kicks the torturer in the face, he fell over with a gaping skull wound. "L-Leone, is that you, whose out there GACK!" I coughed up some blood. Leone broke the door open, and I stumble into her. "Ha, you never were one to be subtle, wait, what happened to your arm?" I noticed the glint of steel from a table. I had some blood on i- HOLY SHIT MY ARM! I point at it, Leone grabs it, and I was able to get my arm back on, somehow I could feel from it again. "Alright Jon, let's get you outta here."

One of the guards ambushed Leone when we got outside. She got out of the way, and I got shot right in the chest. "FUCKIN' CHRIST!" I fell over, and said guard got obliterated by canister shells from a bofors. I got pulled up by someone I didn't know. I get held up by some girl I didn't recognize. She had a scissor blade, not sure what the hell the point of the sword was. "Alright, where is the daughter?" She runs out and sees me. "Jonathan, please help me!" I look at Leone. "I didn't think of this before, but what did these guys do?" She opens the barn door. I saw corpses strewn around the place. Then I saw one of my soldiers hung with a meathook in his throat. Another one was in a cage, she was covered in blood and missing an arm, at the shoulder. "Who the fuck did this to you?!" She looks at me, and points at the daughter. "She drugged us. After that, she raped Jack, and hung him, that bitch poisoned me!" I hold her remaining hand. "The motherfucker will pay, I promise that!" She died shortly after that with a smile. "I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! RAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" I run at the daughter, and start beating her to death with a shovel. When I finished, her upper body was unrecognizable, and her legs were fused with the ground. I tried to bury the soldiers that were taken from me, but I fell on my back, finally feeling the gunshot wounds. "Yeah, I think he would make a good addition to Night Raid, don't you think, Sheele?" The morphine started to flow into my system. I got carried to their camp, I passed out in Leone's arms.


	2. Ogre killer

"Hey Jonathan, time to wake up." Leone shook me awake, and I was in the same bed as her. "What happened?" "You sort of crashed, so I took you to my bed and let you sleep." Okay, I won't be the one complaining. "Did my guys get buried?" She looks at me again. "Yep, it was me and Najenda." Wait, Najenda's here? "Now come on, I want to introduce you to the team." I get to the room that everyone was in. "That's Akame, the one hit swordswoman." Then she points at this dude with green hair. "Lubbock, the pervert with infinite garrote wires." "Hey dude." She went through the entire group. Mine got in a fight with me pretty quick. It ended when I suplexed her into a window. She got up in a few seconds.

"I have a feeling they won't get along too well." 3 minutes later, the two of us were firing at each other with anti-tank rifles. "Jesus, could you guys stop!" Najenda drags me, literally, to her, while Lubbock tackles Mine. "Jonathan, she's always like that, calm down." She pulls down my arms, and then noticed my Forger.

"Hey, what does this do?" "Well let's see, you skullfucking target." She bursts out laughing. "It makes war material, any kind." She was impressed, not that she wasn't informed about me, judging by the fact she was a former general. "Why do you have a prosthetic arm and an eyepatch?" She backed up a small bit. "Esdeath took them." I had an idea, so I gave her an injection. "What the hell?" "Well, I decided to give you back your losses." I smile. Her eye grew back first, I took off her patch, then I took off her prosthetic in time for the new arm. "Notice anything Najenda?" She moves her arm. "Holy shit!" She tackles me. "I owe you, a lot." She gets back up, and then pulls me. "Hey guys, look." They walk in, and their faces were priceless. "You are fucking welcome!"

That was cause for celebration.

I entered a drinking contest, it was me, Leone, Najenda, and Sheele. First ten beers, nobody was down, 30 later, Sheele was out. I was about to go under, but Najenda beat me. "I can't go on." 50 later, I go out. "You win." I fell on my side. I get pulled up, and I was singing "Die with a beer in your hand" surprisingly well.

"Christ, the guy is 14 and he defeated Najenda, talk about holding his liquor." I was shaken awake by Akame, and jesus, her dumbass discombobulated me. "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT AKAME, CAN'T HEAR SHIT!" Lubbock runs in. "Someone's invading." "Well, I get to go on a bug hunt."

I found where they were with Lubbock. "Let's raise hell." I chunk a belt of grenades into a group of 8. Once they blew up, I started gunning them down with an MG30. "That's all?" "Yep." "Well shit. I thought I was going to get a challenge." "There was 140 guys, what do you mean "a challenge", you gotta be kidding me!" I was expecting to get in a fight, but the belt ran dry too early. "Yep, I am used to fighting larger amounts of people, with heavy weapons, and a dude that is willing to do anything to win for an enemy commander, if you asked Najenda, you would understand why that my combat logs sound like a fuckin' tome of madness, I know for a fact some of it was put in as stage directions, hell, there was some of it in German." Then Akame butts in. "Let's get some meat." "Goddamn it." When we got to the base, she ate enough to be the cause of a new series of jokes, "Akame's so fat, the reason she's a good assassin is because her gravitational pull sucks in light!" ad infinitum. All that stopped when I got stabbed. "You are a whore, Akame." The poison was countered by the fact that I had already been wounded in that area, said poison ran out of my arm. "This'll hurt like a son of a bitch, but I'll live." Shortly after that, I got hounded by Leone and Najenda. "Oh shit!" I was able to stand for about a minute before I gave out. "LET ME BREATHE!" Once they got off of me, I got up. "Jonathan, you are now a member of Night Raid." I was on too much heroin to care. I went to the bed, somehow Najenda managed to outrun me, so I crashed beside her. "You have your own bed you know." "At this point, I literally can't get over there, fuck the stairs. I can't get up there while high." "Okay then, well, I guess you have to deal with me." She tucked me in then got on top of me, the lights went out a little bit later.

I got woken up to the sight of

1\. Najenda naked, with the trademark black dragon cigar lit up.

2\. Me being in the worst crash since 1929.

3\. Lubbock peeking into the room.

"Lubbock, it might not be a good idea to get in here right now, I feel like shit." "I get her first!" He said that at the right pitch where it felt like I got boxed in the ears. "Ow, fuck." I had to get a couple of sodas to wake me up. Najenda got me out of bed, and we heard the mission.

"We have a new couple of targets today, Ogre and Gambal. Every time the merchant commits a crime, Ogre covers it up and pins it on another. The woman who gave the contract, is in prison and had to sell herself in order to get the money." I clench my fists hard enough to dig into the muscles. "How about this, I break her out of prison, then I fuck these bastards up!" Leone volunteered to go with me, so we were off.

"Hey Leone, is this the right prison?" She looks at the documents. "Yep." "Next question. Do you like metal music?" "Haven't heard it." "Oh you are in for a treat." I had started firing panzerfausts at the place, while my droid soldiers invaded, to the sound of Warbringer: Total War. I got the girl out, while the guards got massacred. "Call, upon, gods of death! FIGHT! Awaken, all your rage!" Sadly, the song cut off after that. "Why did the song have to end?" We said in unison. My soldiers ripped apart the oil merchant with ropes. Then I got to Ogre. "Sup bitch." I smash his face into the bar. "WHO WANTS TO SEE ME WASTE THIS MOTHERFUCKER?" There was a unanimous vote. I throw him out of the bar. He swings at me with a sword. "I won't be beat by a brat." "Last guy who said that, was beaten to death with his severed legs." He backs up, and I tackle him. "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, YOU CUNT!" I start beating him senseless. I beat through his face, and continued until the back of his head was visible. "NOOOOO, OGRE!" I get attacked by a dog, so I start playing Demolition hammer: Hydrophobia. "Get the" I tear open its jaws until it was like a bear trap. "Fuck off me!" "YOU KILLED ZORO!" "Stop screaming like a banshee for 10 goddamn seconds!" I start shooting in her general direction, she pussied out like a bitch. Leone was able to tackle her like a lineman, then she dragged her ass back to me, just in time for me to get bored.

"Alright, this'll be over somewhat quickly." I shot her in the face. "Who was that?" Leone turns to me. "Seryu Ubitiqious, she's insane, with a skewed sense of justice." That sounds like every vigilante that ever went overboard. "Well, this sounds like the start of a fun day."

We got the payment, and a grateful client. "Oh, we killed his assistant as well; she had this dog that was almost as powerful as I am. Thank god its jaws couldn't say the same thing." The client ran off with the knowledge that her husband was avenged, and then I started having a vision.

First I saw the deaths of the entire group, outside of Najenda and Akame. Then I saw that fat fuck Honest laughing, then I saw myself locked in a cage filling up with mosquito infested water. After that, I was being raped by Esdeath.

Finally, here's the good part. Budo and I had torn the bloody incompetent cunt in half, gutted Honest, thrown him down to the waiting mob below, and then defenestrated the emperor. I woke up screaming with a burning sensation throughout my body.

"SHITE!" I woke up Leone, right after that, I fell on the floor and froze up. "Jon, you okay?" She got out of the bed; she picked me off the ground. "Why are you crying?" Well let's see, the fact I felt like I was incinerated, seeing my comrades die, combined with unusual susceptibility to nightmare- no, night terrors, and you have a recipe for a catastrophe. What I tried to do was describe the nightmare, and the burning. I started to regress back into the sobbing after I got to the whole being raped portion.

"Jonathan, I can't really say I know what to do." She puts me back on the bed. "But, hopefully this can get your mind off of the pain." She put a hand on my crotch. I feel my pants get unzipped. "Meh, about average." She takes off her bra, and mounts me. "Um, Leone, are you sure about this?" She didn't stop. "Nnngh!" Right after she took my virginity, she lays into me. "How does it feel? Do you still feel the burning?" I wasn't able to answer, mostly because of the fact that I wasn't really capable of thinking at that point. I started moaning. "AW COME ON YOU LOST IT FIRST!" Next thing I know, Leone stops the ride. "Don't worry; I will finish you in a little bit." She turns to Lubbock. "Lubbock, could you fuck off! If you want to have sex with someone, ask Najenda, or Akame, right now, I'm busy!" He runs off, apparently to Sheele, and he got pulled into her room.

"Alright, now that he's gone, how about you finish." She starts to bounce again. "Are you about to cum?" She bends down a little and sticks her tongue in my mouth. Two seconds of darting later, I give in. "Jonathan, say my name." "LEONE!" I felt this rush of pleasure, after which, she got off of me. "Seems like I got off as well." She gives me another kiss, and then she soothes me to sleep.


	3. Hagalaz the Pummeler

My first attempt at writing a song.

Bastard!

You thought I wouldn't find you?

My wrath is inescapable!

New target is you!

Murderers, rapists, traitors, I will slaughter!

Using meatshields, torn to shreds!

Blown away in a hail of lead!

Genocidal war against scum

Commissar

Kill the family for their shit

Force-fed Syura his own balls

Severed his fucking head and mounted it on a pike

COMMISSAR

COMMISSAR

Rip through your army, skullfuck Esdeath.

Gorevants dispensing vengeance!

Emperor thrown out the goddamn window, your puppet is dead!

Commissar

Disemboweled the old bastard.

Citizens, kill the tyrant!

After the short rest I got, which was interspersed with nightmares, and cage fights, I got another hit.

"Our new target is Zanku the Executioner. He used to be, well, an executioner, what with Jonathan's debtor creating an influx of death row inmates. But he got too bloodthirsty, and he has started killing at random." My reaction, was not expected by the rest of the cadre. "You gotta be kidding me! Back home, at least the killers were smart, this guy, fuck it, he's a disgrace to murderers everywhere." They look at me with the look of "Where the hell did that come from?", I snicker.

The things that led me to the alleyway followed this line of thinking. "Ya know what, I pulled this shit all the time, so, maybe he's retarded enough to try and sneak up on me here." I heard some guy talking, after that a woman screamed. I start walking over to the place. I was staring at a decapitated woman. "A'ight Zanku, you are a disgrace. You can't silence anyone, you don't eliminate evidence, HONEST HIRED YOUR ASS, AND YOU COULDN'T FUCKING TAKE IT!" Speaking of the failure, here comes the schizophrenic. "You wouldn't attack the person you care for most, would you?" I was apparently supposed to see a loved one or something, I saw nothing. "YEP." I shot where I thought he was. "How were you not fooled?" Dumbass. "Diagnosed as a psychopath, I win." He started dodging my bullets. "I can see what you'll do." Not what my mercs will do. He got his legs blown off by a PTRS. "HA!" I made a knife, and plunged it into his head. I look at the rifleman. "Nice shot." So I carve the price into the bastard's skull and bag it.

I walked into a bar, and walked out with a thing of six whiskeys. I drank them all, then took an APC back to the base. "I wasted the bastard." I slam his head onto one of the tables. Lubbock was impressed. "Hey Mine!" She walks in. I hold up the disembodied head and grin. "My snipers are better shots." If I pissed her off when I suplexed her, than her blood had now evaporated. She wasn't going to attac- oh shit. "WHAT!" She bashes me on the nose with her, wait, why the hell does she have Najenda's prosthetic? I put her in a choke hold, and keep her in until she was out. "The fuck?" Lubbock was looking at me. "Dude, your nose is bleeding." I set my nose back in place, then walk out of the room.

I noticed some guys trying to sneak in, so I sicced Bulat on them. "What the hell is that?" I was staring at this giant, and I called a warthog on him. Safe to say, he was pulverized. After that, I marked everyone going up against me, and they got bombed by spirits. "Jon, what are those things." I look at Akame. "Spirit bombers, I feel like the fisters in Vietnam, goddamn." Anyhow, once the enemy was thoroughly curbstomped, I walked back inside the base. Leone managed to sleep through the whole ordeal, and was surprised to see the craters. "Jon, what the hell?" "We got attacked, and I did exactly what you think I did." I live by the words of Nixon. "Blast the goddamn hell out of them."

I had a guy look into exactly what fucking monstrosities where sent in, and I found out who that the empire hired to replace Josef Mengele. Dr. Stylish, and like Honest, his surname is absolute bullshit.

"At least the angel of death was worthy of Slayer, this dude sucks at his "job."" Right after that, I saw Akame get sent flying by Lubbock, I could've sworn I saw her flap around. Right then, I burst out laughing and shouted. "YOU KNOCKED THE PHYSICS OUT OF HER, HOLY SHIT!" Sheele looks out. She ran in laughing, and knocked shit over. _All the shit._

After going through all that stuff, I heard that Esdeath was coming to the capital. "The cunt is back!" I got over to Najenda, and told her I was going on a Kuklinski Death March, then I had to explain who Richard Kuklinski was.

"Hmm, coliseum match hosted by Esdeath, well, let's do it." I got signed in, under the name Hagalaz, and put on a Gorevant mask. When I got in, I went up against a guy with a sword. " _Haidzruno runu, falahak haidera, ginnarunaz. Arageu haeramalausz uti az. Weladaude, sa'z þat barutz. Uþarba spa."_ While he was confused what monument I was talking about, I decapitated him with his sword. I pretty much said I had runes of power in me, and if I die, or if my Forger is trashed, you're fucked.

Then I got a brawler. "I am the demon general, vying for-" I ran up and used the Forger as a blunt object, and forearmed the shit out of him until steel went into his skull. "Hagalaz is the winner!" Esdeath starts to walk out, then I slid on tiger knuckledusters. "Now for your reward." I then unleashed my inner Tomato Gaming. "BUSTED, BITCH!" I lash out at her, and gouge her chest. We start going at it, but I get pulled off, and I shred two soldiers, and then start acting like a World Eater. All the way until I broke out of the arena. My Black Talons covered me while I got out of the capital. I broke through the door to the base, and passed out on the floor.

I woke up next to Mine, to my horror. "Whoa, shit!" I rolled off the bed and ran. "Get back here!" I ran up to Najenda's room, and dived in. "Jonathan, what are you- ohh." She got me behind her bed, and hid me. Followed by Najenda answering the door, after what sounded like, okay, let's play it. "Yeah, who is it?" I swear, this bitch starts screaming into the room, "Where's Jon?" Thankfully, Najenda stayed calm, and didn't go deaf. "I haven't seen him since he passed out, he probably ran from you." The living loudspeaker walked off. Najenda walked over, and got me up. "She's gone." I looked at her, and made the look people make when they get saved from, like, a fire. "I owe you a big one." She kissed me, why, no idea. "Oh, you'll pay." Okay, last time I said that, some shithead called down artillery on me, _me_. I perforated the bastard when I found him. She got Leone into the room, and I had fun.

Leone got under me, and held my arms to the bed, while Najenda mounted me. She stares down at me, then smirks. Once she started riding me, I tried to grab her breasts, but I couldn't reach. "I got it." Najenda bent down so I could get a hold. Then, I heard the knocking, again, and guess who it was. "JONATHAN! I LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR YOUR DUMBASS!" Leone gets in front of her, which surprised me."Fuck off Mine." She locks the door, and moves back in. "Now that she can't get in, my turn." Najenda had taken Leone's position, and I was on the edge. When she had started her ride, I gave out.

"Okay, the debt is paid." Najenda just got her clothes on, and she was pretty tired, and she crashed. Leone got up, with semen dripping out for a couple of seconds, but that ended quickly. "Oh, I forgot." She licked my cheek, can't make that up. "Now I own you." Okay, when people say I'm her bitch, well, they now have proof, something about her Imperial Arms giving her some of the habits of a lioness. Maybe she understood what I said at the gladiator match. With that being said, I doped up, and went to sleep.

 **The Black Talons are essentially the police from Payday 2, give them the ability to literally pop up from the shadows and fill you with lead, and that's the Black Talons. Yes, I got the name and modus operandi from the song by Earth Crisis.**

 **And a few minutes later, I realized the song had the cops as vigilantes.**

 **The shadow rises  
Against them in wrath  
Avenging wraiths  
The shadow rises  
Against them in wrath  
A hail of lead **


	4. First Casualties

The end of all law  
4 shots fired another body falls  
I execute the guilty violently  
Undercover killing spree, no warning shot

Die motherfucker, die, die  
Die motherfucker, die, die  
Die motherfucker, die, die

I'll put a bullet between your fucking eyes  
Pull the trigger, cock the hammer back  
5th shot to the back of your neck  
You're not a threat, you're a fucking disease

Eradicate the enemy  
Dead body, another crime scene  
Blood-stained pavement, chalk outline  
Bullet holes you're dead and cold  
The end of all law, no warning shot

Die motherfucker, die, die  
Die motherfucker, die, die  
Die motherfucker, die, die  
Die, I put the gun to the side of your head

Squeezing the trigger  
Powder burnt skin, breaking through cranial bone  
Decayed brain tissue implodes

Just another life that you thought you could control  
Just another pig, dead, with some extra holes  
You better think again, before I kill again  
You won't survive, when the bullets start to fly

Protect and serve yourself  
Dug your own grave, now rot  
In that hole decay  
The murder will never stop, no warning shot

Die motherfucker, die, die  
Die motherfucker, die, die  
Die motherfucker, die, die  
I'll put a bullet between your fucking eyes  
Die

I was on a radio with Angelripper. "Remember when I told you guys to stay in Ireland? I want you guys here, now!" I knew it would take a while to get enough guys to steamroll the fucking place, but I can wait.

"Hey Jonathan, who was that?" I turned around, put on my glasses, and realized it was Sheele. "That tough son of a bitch is Angelripper. I never knew his real name, but he's a Sodom fan, so that's what I call him." When it comes down to names, hearing some of my guys call-signs can raise eyebrows and suicide rates. I told the cadre where I was going, and I headed off.

I found out where that the "Jaegers" where stationed, and I thoroughly reamed them. First thing that happened was I fired some mustard gas into the building. I saw a dude with a flamethrower run out, and he got riddled with a machine gun. I had some terminators run into the building, and I sat back with some vodka.

The building was clear, or there _was_ a building, three katyusha rockets will fuck up a wooden fort. Those terminators came back to me, and got a sit rep.

"Sir, there wasn't anyone in there, except for that guy." Well, now I have to go bug hunting again. When the terminators had blown themselves up, I hitched a ride on a helicopter back.

Okay, the base isn't supposed to be on fire. "Land the chopper." I got off the thing, and went through the base with a heavy weapons team. For one, whoever attacked had lost a giant ass load of men, brought no guns, and killed two of the cadre. Mine was decapitated, and about 30 were blown apart in front of her, poor bastard. Sheele was, was… "FUCKING HELL!" I ran over to her, and she was breathing. "We need a medic!" She had a knife firmly planted in one of her tubes, how the hell did that happen?

I had a guy find out who had attacked, apparently, Stylish launched a second attack. I went to one of the Black Talon soldiers. "I want you to find this guy's family, I think I can get to him, if not, burn the whole fuckin' place." He disappeared after that. "Jonathan?" I turned around, and Lubbock was in my face. "Yeah?" a little bit of speed started to flood in. "What happened while you were gone?" I closed my eyes for a few seconds. "Well, I gassed one of the Jeagers, Mine's dead, and some sick bastard knifed Sheele." He grabbed my shoulders. "Who?" "Dude, I don't know, I pulled an Auschwitz, I didn't see the fight."

Well we have two new people, a girl named Chelsea, and this dude named Susanoo. At the moment I saw Chelsea, I had some sort of hallucination. She had been grabbed by the guy off of Psychosadistic Design, decapitated, her head was mounted on a pike, and a crowd started stoning it. "No, no, my god, why the… SHIT!" I slammed my head into either a wall or the ground, and I don't know if that was me or if I got ambushed.

"What's his problem?" I think that's Susanoo. "Here's the thing with Jonathan. This guy seems to have hallucinations for no reason. At this point I can't tell if they're premonitions or run-of-the-mill hallucinations." At that moment, I snapped out of it. "And I'm guessing that's Susanoo." "The one and only." After that, I found out what the hell a Teigu was. So now we have a living weapon, a lion girl, a reverse amputee, infinite wires dude, a walking tank, we might be able to keep the scissor girl (haha), a normal person, and the guy with firepower that overpowers any deity, God, Allah, **everyone.**

I made a bunker for the cadre, and made sure it was dug in. "This can take more punishment than anything the Empire can throw at this." One, it had some cameras that, when an enemy is spotted, starts calling down air strikes on the bastard. 2, it had thick enough armor that it could reasonably shake off an anti-matter annihilation. 3, you could legit live in it, without having to move outside, perfect for sieges.

I got a readout of every single nobleman opposed to "Honest", and I got sent after this guy named Chouri. Apparently, he was the former prime minister, and these guys called the Three Beasts were going to kill him. This is going to be the funniest clown car incident in the books.

It was me, Susanoo, Bulat, Najenda was on sniper duty, and we had this Ho Chi Minh looking motherfucker. "Okay, so you're Chouri?" "Yep." His daughter was a spearman, really good one at that, so I could probably join her up with Susanoo.

When we had made it to an overpass, we got attacked. Nah, I'm bullshitting you, what really happened was this. I saw the guys run down, so I shot the guy with the flute, and shoved it down his throat.

"So, I heard that you guys want a fight. Well, the Ho Chi Minh guy can't exactly give you one, and two guys ganging up on a woman is unfair. So how about this, you dudes come on to my vastly superior payroll, and you walk out of here in one piece." The tougher looking guy took it immediately, but the old dude didn't budge. "If it hadn't have been for Esdeath, I would be dead." "Yeah, and if you don't come over here, then you're dead in a worse way than what this shithole can do to you!" Bulat came out, not of the closet, but he did. "General Liver?" This Liver guy then looked to Bulat. "My God, you're alive!" The two ran to each other. I have no idea what the guys said, but Liver walked up to me. "After hearing about what happened between you and Esdeath, you have a deal!" "ALRIGHT!" I gave both of them 120,000 dollars right off the bat. Now for the flute guy, who's somehow alive.

"Any of you guys know what he does for a living?" The tough guy rats him out. "He skins peoples faces off." "NO, YOU DON-" Spear tore off his jaw with her spear, this'll be confusing. "Have fun."

"Susanoo, how do you like my mercs?" "Well, I'm not sure about Diadara, but I think Liver's good." I found out that Najenda got Pumpkin back, and Susanoo was her _second_ Teigu, bloody hell. Anyways, my guy found Stylish's family, but he burned them alive, not my fucking orders. He came back. "Why?" "What do you mean why? You told me to burn them." I shot him in the face right then and there. "I don't tolerate unnecessary civilian casualties." I wanted to lure the doc out, not commit murder.

When I got back into the bunker, I had a meeting with Najenda. "Okay, one of my guys managed to find out when Honest is going to make a public appearance. He's going to be around the palace, I don't recommend you guys come because it's going to be a bloodbath." I went out to one of the couches, and Sheele wa- holy shit!

"Thanks for getting me out." I am fuckin' speechless. I ran out of the "magic alcohol" when I patched up Najenda, this is new. "Your medics seem to be absurdly effective." Okay, I don't think she talks like that, not that I remember. She kissed me on the forehead, then headed off to, I assume, Lubbock.

"Okay, which of you were healing Sheele?" I was looking at a medic team, and I was more grateful for them than I was when I got the Forger. "Sir, we all did." "Okay, you guys are getting a 3 million pound raise! You have no idea what you've done." I then ran to Lubbock, but he was already with Sheele. I gave him the thumbs up, and closed the door. The pain had returned right after that, and I fell down.

I had to get to bed, so I had a few autocannons watching the area outside the bunker. Leone had found a room with a stereo, then she throws me over her shoulder and puts me in the bed.

"Do your legs still hurt?" I was right next to her, and she had Exhumed Tormentors playing, a little bit too quietly. "They're burning." The morphine wasn't working for some reason. She managed to force my head to where I was staring up at her from between her breasts, now it's hard to breath. I have no idea why this worked, but the pain disappeared. I tried to pull my head out. "You're staying in here." She stripped me, but before she could really start up, I fell asleep.

 **I found out on Saturday that my cousin had committed suicide. Turns out, I can't attend the funeral, as you can imagine, hearing that pissed me off. I have to wait for a toxicology report, apparently, he overdosed. I now have to wait on this bullshit. So, I get to be home alone for a couple of days on the count that everyone else in the house is going to Albuquerque for the funeral, yay.**


	5. Nailing the Crown

**I was able to go over to the funeral, literally the day after I said I couldn't. After that, I went up to the highest mountain in NM, Lloyd, Mom, and I had a snowball fight. The kid the funeral was for is named Michael O' Daniel. So let's get on with the story.**

No discrimination of who they slay  
This group gets it done, they kill for personal gain  
Armed and fearless, packed to the gills  
Incentive drives them to rack up the kills

Assassin squad... creeping, assassin squad...seeking

Life threatening discourse  
Fuck with the bull you get the horns  
Quickly they will retort  
And make you wish you had never been born

Play by their rules or meet your maker  
Failure to comply simply seals the deal  
Dig your own grave

Life threatening discourse  
Fuck with the bull you get the horns  
Quickly they will resort  
Faceless hired killers

I woke up to Leone and Najenda talking about my plan. When Leone looked back, I beat her to the punch. "Like it?" "No, why the hell are you going to attack Honest right out of the gate?" "Fuck him, that's why."

I got Diadara and Liver a new squadmate, named Cosmina. She was a person branded a witch, and she was locked in a burning building. One of my soldiers had broken the door down and pulled her out. I managed to get her a Teigu, a microphone that can make sounds loud enough to shatter bone. So, the four of us went to the palace, and the (cue Scott Steiner.) fatass came out. I walked up to the balcony he was on, and started my Robert De Niro impression. "Here comes Santy Claus!" I started firing at his crown with an M1928 Thompson, said crown could destroy Teigu, and turned it into swiss cheese. Diadara and Liver started annihilating the guards, and Cosmina blew a hole in a wall so we could get out. "You better hope I don't find you again, shithead!" The first thing that happened when I got to the bunker, a wire through the hand.

"FUCK YOU, LUBBOCK!" I pulled what remained of my hand away, and I started fixing it up, bones replaced with titanium, and everything else being normal. He ran out, and I tackled him. "I had the cameras up, why the hell did you wire the place?" I punched him in the face. He kicked me in the balls, and I rolled off him. He got in the bunker by the time I got off the ground. Diadara was looking at me. "You stood there and watched the entire time, didn't you?" "Haha, yep." I kicked him in the balls and got inside. I grabbed the radio and got with Angelripper.

"You have your men in yet?" "Yeah, we ran into the rebels, and are organizing them." "Okay. We need to get Esdeath out in the open, and hit her with a Tomahawk or something." I cut off the radio. Najenda saw me. "How did the raid go?" "Well, Honest won't be able to destroy your weapons now, and I might be able to get his son in from Borneo. Speaking of which, I modded a Teigu for Chelsea." I hired a local to mug Syura, he had a Teigu called Shambala, after I was finished with it, it turned into something now called the Hellhole Generator. This is where my stomping grounds are made.

I gave the Hellhole Generator to Chelsea. When I described it, she was impressed. I walked out, and I saw an F-105. "Aw, shit." about 90 feet away, some bombs dropped, I flipped off the direction. I picked up some clothing that survived. "So, they found this place? Yay, meat grinders." Bulat walked up behind me, judging from the shaking. "You know, you're not supposed to be _that_ fat." I'm pretty sure he pimp slapped me, because I went back first into a rock. Those metal bones are coming in handy!

When I got up, I kicked Bulat right in the chest. To nobody's surprise, he didn't react. "I give up." I got back in the bunker, and had a beer with Sheele. It seems that she isn't clumsy when she's plastered. She went and told me about the scissor blade, and I started giggling like a schoolgirl. "Why are you laughing?" "That fuckin' voice!" I then got slapped, and I laughed harder.

I sold about 4,000 tons of equipment to the rebels, pro bono. I got about 14 million off that deal. Najenda's reaction: "Holy shit!" I had to get a truck to drive the cash back, and I lined the entire route with flamethrower units. After that, I sent them after Esdeath, fittingly, in a middle finger formation, damn near got her!

"So, you went after Esdeath?" I turned around, and this smug dickhead was looking at me. "Yes, almost wasted her." I got punched in the gut, nothing happened. "Dude, you know what she does?" "Yeah, she's a good general." "About as good as Honest is at being a minister, bullshit! She tortures people for no reason, _intentionally_ starts uprisings, abuses power, and completely stomps on the weak, if that's a good general, then you're fucked in the head!" I punched him in the gut, and he doubled over. I grab him by the shoulders and lift him up. "Who the hell are you?" "My name's Run, I currently serve with the Jeagers under Esdea-" Punched him right in the jaw. "Go back to that whore you have for a commander, and tell her that if I find her, I will literally cannibalize her." I threw him out. If he ends up helping me, he'll live.

I was in the bunker again, and I had the song From Ear to Ear playing. Najenda was nearly bashing my door down. "Cut that shit off!" "NAH!" She then ran through the door, right into a headbutt. Right about that time, the singing started. "Brutally strangled, attacked from behind!" Najenda gets up. "Don't try me." She walks up closer. "Okay, what are you doing?" Lubbock pulls her away. "I got her."

Chelsea had brought in a new guy, named Austin Faust. "Sup dude." I recognized this guy, when Najenda had turned into a rebel, he got her away from Esdeath, by challenging her to a barbed wire deathmatch, and winning. I know because it's recorded. I had everyone watching this. Imagine the match between Sick Nick Mondo and Zandig. To say that I wanted to pull that on Esdeath would be a vast understatement. After the 20 foot drop, I saw him drag Esdeath into the ring, and wrap her head in barbed wire, kick her in the face, and get the pin. "Chelsea, you have a good man." I grabbed some of the Dragon meat that Akame brought in, and beat her in the eating contest that followed. "I beat the black hole!" I think Akame knocked me out.

I woke up and vomited. I just realized that the sword she has is poisoned. "Hey Jon, you okay in there?" Nope. "I feel like throwing up my lungs!" Akame grabbed me, and stood me up. She hands me a soda, and I drink it in about 6 seconds. She walked me over to one of the beds and put me down in it. Leone walked in, and she started talking with Akame.

"So, I have some competition?" This shit. "You've had competition since he got here, all I did was join." Wait, don't tell me, it's going to be another 2v1. I have no idea why they do this. Anyways, they managed to take off my pants when I tried to escape. So now, I'm on my shoulders, I'm naked, and Akame is blowing me. "Okay, my neck is, oh fuck!" I fell on my side, and Leone lifted me onto the bed. My neck is feeling like someone put a needle right between two vertebrae. "You okay?" "My neck is hurting." Akame continued going down on me. "This is how we share people, Jon." … not the weirdest thing I've heard. After a few more minutes, I came. "That should drive off the pain." Akame mounted me, and inserted me in. "This is… too tight!" Akame started to go a bit too fast. "Ow, ow, please stop!" Now it's burning. When I finished that time, I started crying. "What did you do?" I layed my head back, right on Leone's shoulder. "I think I heard him say, 'please stop' or something. Did you say that?" "Y-y-yeah." Akame pulled me out, and that magnified the pain. "GAAAAAAAAAH!" Akame had started to kiss my neck, and Leone shot me up on some morphine. When I started to feel better, Leone put me on my back, and I tried to sleep. Akame started fondling me, and grabbed my hand. She forced my head between her breasts, and started to sleep, I followed pretty quickly.

Outro: Seal of Genocide by Wargrinder.

 **Angelripper is going to look like Henry Derek Bonner.**


	6. Kill The Assholes

I had woken up, slipped away from Akame, and met with some of my Bronzeballer brethren. These guys were the people that would charge a bunker with a kukri. They were considered family for this reason.

"Jonathan, Fatso brought his son in, do we ambush his transport?" "I have some info I got from Cosmina. Syura seems to be forming a group called, I can't make this up, Wild Hunt. They seem to be meeting at the Colosseum, bring me there. Leave a couple regiments around the area in case I radio you, everyone else, assist Night Raid against Esdeath. Have fun, and don't harm innocent people, one of my Black Talons burned a man's family, and he was executed." The guys ran off through the foliage a minute after that.

Faust told me what Wild Hunt was, and I was actually more pissed off by this than I was about Honest. Imagine an entire group of rapists/killers. In this group, we have a John Wayne Gacy copycat named Champ, who had done his thing to an entire classroom, this being Run's class. Now I have sympathy for the guy. Next was a pirate, who wasn't really special, he couldn't take on the Somali guys a couple islands over, but he was horrid when he came on a couple of sleeping soldiers I hired, and he has a Simmons tongue. The only non-rapist in the group is a swordsman, I don't have his name, he's obsessed with hacking people apart with a katana, somehow it hasn't broken. They have an alchemist named Dorothea, she drinks blood, has fucked with Makoto's Teigu on Honest's orders, and she's one of the two female rapists in the group. Finally, a Ruin Lord from my nephew's army had been hired by Honest to try and fight my armies. She is another rapist, and a far more effective soldier than everyone else. All led by Syura, who is known as "Borneo".

I was put in the Colosseum along with some inmates. The swordsman had cut down one guy immediately. "Guys, I want a piece of this corpsefucker!" They all got out of the way, and I walked up. "How does it feel, to be too much of a pussy to fight a soldier?" The man looked at me, and spoke with the most stereotypical accent in existence. "My sword thirsts for your blood, and I shall oblige it." He ran at me, and I cut off his legs. "GAAAAAH!" I stabbed him in the hands. "Oh, stop screaming, this is being televised, and the audience will hate you more than they already do." I shoved the sword into his head and left it in. The Ruin Lord had started firing on me, and the Bronzeballers got called. They ran through the hail and chewed up the Ruin Lord. The rest of the group ran off, and I got pissed off.

Going back to the base, I saw the group, and my rage was lit up like a volcano. I ran up behind the pirate, and slammed a knife into his liver. I turned him around, and ripped the knife up his side. I got hit with a fireball by Champ, and I was captured by the cunts.

I was in the palace, and I activated the tanks in the north. I was looking at Budo, who was furious, Honest was ecstatic, and Esdeath was dead faced, and this kid was next to her, her mate? I had been taken to a dungeon, and Syura started to torture me. "Where's Night Raid?" I had a bullet put in my knee, and it barely penetrated the steel. "…You really want to know?" I was punched in the balls. I threw up all over him. "FUCK YOU!" I was subjected to a barrage of blunt weapon hits, a couple of stabs, and another gunshot, which landed in my cheek. Eventually, I was strangled until I was saved. "You intend to torture him to death? You disgrace your father." Esdeath, of all people, grabbed Syura, and threw him out of the room. My jaw was in pieces, my left arm was reduced to a stump. My right hand was severed. The kid managed to smuggle me out of the palace, and into the arms of Lubbock. He looked at me, and set me down.

"Who are you?" Lubbock had started to tear up. "My name is Tatsumi. Syura was torturing who I assume to be your friend, I convinced Esdeath to save him." Lubbock hugs the guy. "You have no idea his importance." Lubbock picked me up, and started running me back to the bunker. I managed to get the arms and jaw remade, but growing flesh over them will have to be done at the base.

First person to see my condition was Faust. Now, this guy kept control of his anger when he saw the murders that my nephew had authorized, all the way until he killed him. When he saw me, he flew into a rage. Bulat saw me, and demolished a wall with his spear. The rest of the group had seen me not too long after that.

Susanoo had asked this immediately. "WHO DID THIS SHIT?" Lubbock had responded, and his breathing sounded like a charging bull. "Syura." My medics had started the process of putting flesh on my jaw, and when they finished, I gave the guys this order.

"I have Cosmina spying on them. You guys nail them from the back, the Bronzeballers will launch a frontal assault, and Chelsea's soldiers will flood the sides. I want this shit to be recorded." Leone was crying, though it wasn't as bad as Lubbock. The guys had been told of the location, armament, and crimes. They had gotten to a group called Umatora, and the guys were being accused of making something that mocked Honest. When the Bronzeballers had ran into them, they saw that a few hundred imperial soldiers were with them. I got to see the front line of the imps get mulched by machine gun fire. "Shoot that motherfucker!" I changed to the camera on Susanoo, who had slammed Dorothea into a rock, and ripped her in half by pulling her legs apart. Chelsea's soldiers mopped up the imperials that had survived the storm of lead from the Bronzeballers. Lubbock had strung up Syura like something straight out of Hellraiser, and Faust had blown off Champs legs. I noticed that a new guy had appeared, wait, that's Run!

"Who murdered my class?" Faust pointed right at the clown. He handed a knife to Run, and he went to town. "You prey on kids, you sick bastard?" Run eviscerated Champ, and gouged out his eyes, my sympathy has turned into respect. My adrenaline had started pumping, and Champ had been decapitated. Run turned to Syura, who had been on the verge of being ripped apart. "Run, I want this. Also you need to change your name, what name is run?" Lubbock did something with his glove, and Syura started to fall apart. His legs went first, then his arms, then his chest started sloughing away. His head fell to the ground, and I fucking yelled. "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET, YOU SADIST CUNT!" I pump my fist, and fell back onto the couch. Chelsea got back first, followed by the guys in the group. While this was happening, Liver had kidnapped Makoto and showed him what the effects his rule had on the general population, Stylish was killed by one of my bombs that didn't go off when it was supposed to, all in all, this was a good day.

I thanked Lubbock for the show, and got him to confess to Najenda, mind you,I pretty much have to keep him out of combat for a while, mostly because that tomorrow, my armies will take out the government, once that happens, we have to fix up the place.

The current force I'm looking at consists of: 500,000 Gallowglass, around 1,000,000 Bronzeballers, 60,000 Black Talons, 600,000 Witch Hunters, Ungern-Sternberg's Cossacks, at 2,000,000, Hemi, Nakaido, and Najenda's armies, about 900,000 in all, I have no idea what Chelsea's bringing down on this shithole, and I'll be launching airstrikes the entire time. I have around 200 ships running a Tokyo Express route, since the Imperial Navy got effectively neutered when they attacked one of my warships, so an attack from the sea won't be a concern. The enemy consists of around 300,000 troops, no heavy artillery, nothing that can really be called armor, one necromancer, one cryomancer, Makoto won't be present, so Shakoutazer won't be a problem. Budo can be taken out if I can get a good shot on him, preferably before he lightning storms the shit out of my men. Esdeath is another, but at that point, I'm keeping my guys away, and using a tactical nuke on her. Once these people are dead, the rest of the Empire will go down quick, the other psychos will be killed, and Najenda can do her job. This means 5.06 million soldiers I know of, vs 300,000 and two walking hard points, I think I'll win!

Najenda had no idea who Ungern was. "Okay, imagine a general, now, imagine him leading a cavalry charge againts 45 machine guns, and winning. This man is the Russian me in about a decade." This was good, two people with balls that register as celestial objects, leading an army that can overcome pretty much anything, that sounds like a good set of allies.

I went to my room, and Leone followed. "Not tonight, I need sleep." She was disappointed, but she let me sleep.


End file.
